Today, I want to share with you something very deep. My friend Suesi's story about what her breast cancer taught her. I hope that each and everyone of you will share her story to everyone you know.
A DAY OF REFLECTION......One year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.. Most of you know the story... for three days I had these zinging sensations in my boob.. really weird , like I was having shock treatments.. now i was a girl that was diligent about checking my boobs all the time,i mean all the time. plus they felt good to touch cause they were so fantastic..never was there any lumps or irregularities .. well the zinging turned into actual pain.. i went to bed one night with an ice pack to relieve the pain and when i woke in the morning i had a golf ball size lump in my boob.. complete panic set in and i went to the emergency room.. they kept me for two days , ran some tests.. and a biopsy sent me home and i waited three days for the results. over the phone i was told Yes Suesi, you have cancer...those three days that i had to wait were the longest three days ever.. i remember everyone saying. don't worry maybe its an infection,, maybe its this,, maybe its that, but deep down i knew when that DR did the biopsy, a feeling of Oh No this isn't gonna be good came over me..I didn't want to believe it, a roller coaster wave of emotion came over me and i didn't know what to do with it.. I have little faith in doctors and now i was gonna have to let them invade my life, and that they did.. I chose to have a double mastectomy even though the cancer was only in one boob, they also removed 13 lymph nodes which also had cancer.i didn't wanna sit around thinking when will it attack my other boob so Off with the both of them.. i didn't choose to have reconstruction surgery.i saw the pictures, i meet girls who had it done and i knew for me that it wasn't something that id be happy with.. the scars are still there , they have to make a nipple from skin from another part of your body, tattoo the areolar.. fuck that.. i lived the first 49 years with fantastic boobies.. ill learn to live the next years without them.. now im not gonna lie, i miss them,, i mean really miss them.. its still hard to look in the mirror.. you just don't realize how much your whole body takes on a different look.. ill get past it one day..Anyhow.. this is what i really wanted to say.. if i could do it all over again, id make some changes.. i would have the tumors removed but i would have skipped the treatment... no chemo.. no radiation..i think its truly damaged me.. i just don't feel the same inside anymore.. im tired so often, yet its hard to sleep. my body has slowed down so that i feel like almost everything is an effort, my memory is shot, But they shoved the statistics in my face and i bought into it a little bit...really i didn't buy into it at all,throughout the whole process i knew deep down inside that i shouldn't be doing it.. but i was scared, i didn't want to die, i didn't want this fucking disease to take over my whole body so i went for it against my gut feelings.. i remember my last treatment , i said to my radiologist "Now What?.. how do i know everything ive put my body through with this poison that's been injected and radiated through me has worked".. she gave me a phony smile and a pat on the arm and said "well lets hope for the best".. and check yourself for any irregularities.. Are you fucking kidding me?? that's it?? wow.. i knew at that moment that if it comes back i will not put my body through this again... so the moral of this little novel that ive written my friends is... if this disease ever enters your life.. think long and hard about what you want to do and GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS....Thank You so Much Suesi for being You for writing your story and allowing me to share it with the world. You are an amazing woman.
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